So you have decided to live your life overseas, but there’s perhaps a wrinkle you’re concerned about… your aging parents. Expats with aging parents is a topic that frequently comes up in different threads on social media sites. It’s one of the more complex, at least emotionally, aspects of living in a new country. So, how do we deal with this? This is a topic I’m very familiar with, so it’s something I (Cam) wanted to write about. Let’s discuss how we, as expats with aging parents, can live a more comfortable life.
My Experiences – Expats with Aging Parents
As an only child with parents who live alone and are definitely… “older,” I am constantly worried about them. I worry about their health. I worry about them slipping in the shower (I mean…who hasn’t slipped or nearly slipped?). I worry about them needing care at home. I worry about a million other things. I have no siblings to discuss what to do if something happens or to possibly help care for them should something happen. This doesn’t mean I wouldn’t go home to help care for them if they needed it, but, like many expats, I don’t particularly want to change my life and lifestyle to accommodate this.
As my father nears 80 and lives alone, I especially worry about him (though I worry considerably about my mother as well). Having lived abroad for as long as I have, one of my considerations is whether to move back home or stay abroad. As a bit of a nervous Nelly, I fret about getting a call in the middle of the night from a hospital telling me something has happened.
It’s not, however, just accidents. We all know that as we age, our bodies slowly fail us. As I near 40, I can feel the possible arthritis that runs throughout my family tree starting to flow within me. The little things that we experience every day can certainly weigh on us physically, and it’s some of those little things I worry about as well. Have you ever slipped in the shower? I know I have. Accidentally leave the burner on after cooking? I’ve done that as well.
All of this is to say that as an expat, it isn’t just the significant events that scare you. It can be something minor that becomes something major before you realize it. Either way, I constantly worry about my parents in their everyday lives. I am very familiar with it, but how do I deal with these worries and emotions?
Dealing with Guilt & Emotion – Expats with Aging Parents
I have been an expat for most of my adult life, and I still struggle with the concept of guilt and worry over my parents being left behind. Many other expats with aging parents also feel this way. However, there is a glimmer of hope for expats with aging parents! You need not be stuck with these feelings your whole life, though I find it’s nearly impossible to rid yourself of them entirely.
Remember Why You Went Abroad
The first piece of advice I can give you is to remember why you moved to a new country in the first place. Maybe it was a better salary. Maybe, and more likely, it was the opportunity for more adventure.
You deserve happiness, and your ‘why’ for moving abroad is valid, even if others might not think so. As we mentioned above, the guilt of leaving people behind can sometimes be difficult to deal with, especially if you have children. Remembering your ‘why’ is important in living guilt-free in a new country.
I often find myself remembering my own ‘why.’ Older single parents weigh heavily on my conscience, and I wonder if I’ve made the right decisions. For many expats with aging parents, these feelings are familiar.
It’s in these moments I do my best to remember my ‘why.’ I tell myself that I know I would be less happy if I were to move home. I realize that my time spent at home, while pleasant, is never how I want to live my life.
I also reflect on the concept of mindset. Growing up in a small, rural conservative community, trekking across the world, and living and experiencing new cultures has broadened my way of thinking. When I think about the possibility of moving back home, the mindset I factor in encountering often turns me off. This is not to say that there aren’t open-minded people with whom I share a considerable amount, but more about the concept of travel. Choosing to live abroad and, in many ways, choosing to live a life of some cultural uneasiness is something not many back home understand.
Focus on the Positives
When I say focus on the positives, I mean focus on the great things you enjoy about living in a new country. Can you travel more (I know we sure can, as our jumping-off point is far easier than if we were living near my parents)? Maybe it’s an opportunity for your children to mix in with different cultures and grow up with an outlook on life that is significantly different than it would have been back home. As expats with aging parents, this focus can take your mind off of stresses or guilts you might hold.
Take time every so often to look back through your photos of recent trips, start a blog (like I did so many years ago!), or grab a journal and make writing in a journal a part of your daily routine. You can also post on social media to help you reflect. Maybe it’s looking at your bank account because you do better financially than if you were home. Not every day as an expatriate will be great. You’ll have good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks, and even good months and bad months (check out our post on Culture Shock to help you better understand this). Whatever your case may be, reflecting on your time spent abroad can help remind us that we made these choices for a reason.
Plan and Set Goals
Another great way to get over the feelings of leaving people behind is to set yourself goals. As travelers ourselves who struggle with this, one of the other ways we cope is to plan. Since we live abroad and travel regularly, our travel plans are laid out nearly a year in advance. This depends, however, on our academic calendars and when they are released.
Setting these goals helps us stay focused on why we live abroad and always gives us something to look forward to. This is especially helpful when those culture shock days really hit hard. We plan out trips and scour for things to do, flights to take, and places to stay. Part of what we love is in the planning. Prepping out for our future travels keeps us excited when the drudgery of day-to-day life hits hard. However, for those days that hit extra hard, we can’t stress enough talking to someone.
Therapy
Seeing a therapist is hugely beneficial, whether you live abroad or not. However, as an expatriate, speaking with a trained professional can really help rein in those feelings of guilt or worry about your parents back home. As with anything else, it’s not a catch-all solution. Nothing will be perfect, but it helps as an outlet for understanding those emotions and putting them into their rightful place. Might that mean moving back home for some people? Absolutely, yes, but it is better to go home and take care of your mental well-being than to force yourself to be in a place where your mental health is going to deteriorate. For expats with aging parents, the Truman Group focuses on psychological care for expats (adults and children). We are not affiliated with them but have used their services.
Making Time with Friends and Family
You can’t physically make time with family back home, but you can schedule time to chat with them. Schedule a time to use WhatsApp or FaceTime to see your loved ones back home. This is especially important depending on the time zone you live in. Your time zone may mean you can only speak with your family for an hour or two in the evening or perhaps very early in the morning for you, which is what works best. Make sure to carve out time to speak with those you care about back home.
You can, however, schedule time to be with friends you’ve made overseas. Living in a new country can be lonely and isolating. Finding groups to be with, whether they are locals or other expats, is essential to helping you feel at home and comfortable in your new country.
This could be a group related to a hobby you have or sports you might play. It could be board games or knitting. You can take a cooking class with other expats or go out dancing with locals. Whatever the case may be, shoring up a friend group in your new country and spending time with them can be a key component of helping rid yourself of guilt by realizing you are happy where you are.
Final Thoughts for Expats with Aging Parents
However, you may feel and choose to deal with the feelings and emotions associated with being an expat with aging parents. In the end, only you can decide what works best for helping deal with those emotions. Above, we have gone over what has mostly worked for us over the years. No method is foolproof, and none are in any way guaranteed to help you feel better.
If you are abroad and want less stress on top of already worrying about family back home, then check out SafetyWing. SafetyWing offers travel and full-time insurance for those traveling and living overseas.
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